• 1 Post
  • 2 Comments
Joined 2 years ago
cake
Cake day: July 4th, 2023

help-circle
  • Thank you for this. My wife left about a week ago. It blindsided me, but I’m hindsight I could have seen it.

    1. Happy to help
    2. JFC, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, and I deeply empathize. I’m just some douchebag on the internet, but if you need a trained ear, please feel free to DM me.
    3. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but a critical component is giving yourself grace and emotional space

    Now I realize that if I don’t work on myself, I will bring all of my problems to any future relationship. I’m only at the very start of the journey, and every day is still painful – our relationship lasted 15 years, and that can’t be unwound quickly.

    There is sense of closure and ability of growth in understanding the whys. Explicitly working to avoid carrying forward the injuries is a huge step. As you probably already read in Gottman: the best couple’s therapy is individual therapy. Empathy by way of anecdote: when I was reading Levine’s “Attached,” so many of the example conversations had me feeling like “Were y’all in the room when we were arguing?!”

    I’m serious about the being a sounding board/ear. I hope you find inner peace sooner rather than later.


  • She didn’t change; she finally revealed herself. In short, her attachment type is anxious-avoidant. That shit burns down everything around it. She was jealous AND cheating, which was just rich given that we were ENM/poly. I was so busy with life, work, and my sailboat that I only had romantic bandwidth for her.

    I am forever changed. I went on an intensive therapeutic and introspective journey. Anxious-avoidant people can be immensely attractive anxious attachment types like me. I identified that in myself, addressed my own life traumas, and developed my personal boundaries. These days, I’m less poly, more monogamish. I approached dating with explicitly defined intentions and must-haves, rather than just random chance. I found the partner of my dreams, and we’re about to celebrate eight years together.

    Early on, there were mutual warning signs, but we both thought we had the tools to face any challenges. As I mentioned, I had poor boundaries, which now would put an immediate end to any such bullshit.

    What can I offer now?

    • Learn Attachment Theory and know yourself
    • Read John Gottman books before and all during your relationships
    • Get professional therapeutic help; CBT, DBT, EFT… you might already have all the tools, but a good therapist will teach how to use them in integration
    • Learn non-violent communication and/or take a workshop; this will provide massive return on investment in all aspects of your life
    • Practice meditation and mindfulness; also pays dividends everywhere