Hey, I’m going through something very similar rn. She broke up with me about 5 months ago and it still hurts so much. I can’t stop thinking about her. You’re not alone. I wish I had a cure, but just like you, I don’t.

Just remember that good relationships never end in breakups. So you’re mourning the idea of a successful relationship you thought you had or wanted to have (perfectly normal thing to grieve over!), but you can also celebrate that you’re now one major hurdle closer to the right relationship.

It’s a fresh start and now you’re armed with a whole lot more knowledge about what your boundaries should be, what to look for (or out for) next time.

Basically, the glass is half full! In fact, it’s more full than empty if you really take stock.

I’m afraid you can’t really just stop it immediately. It will get better with time though. In the meantime heathy distractions are probably your best shot. When I was in similar situation to yours I started spending pretty much any free time I had on two things: running and learning guitar. Half of the time I was doing it with tears in my eyes but it was still better than just getting lost in depressing thoughts. It took me like 3 months until the breakup wasn’t dominating my thoughts everyday. It was hard AF but in this time I actually learned something, improved and rediscovered myself. Sport and music have become major parts of my life. Now, years later, I’m actually thankful for this breakup. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it didn’t happen and I definitely prefer current myself to the past myself.

You just need to plow through the hard times. It WILL get better! I wish you all the best.

The real answer here is “time”. You’re grieving a loss, and it takes time for your mind to process that. It mostly isn’t a voluntary process, so the question isn’t only “how do I stop spiraling,” but also “how do I get myself through the time it takes to recover.” A few suggestions:

1. Sleep. As much as you can until you enjoy your time awake again. Time you spend asleep is time spent letting your subconscious sort out a changed situation. It’s time spent healing.

2. Fast. Fasting releases endorphins starting about day 3. A healthy adult can safely keep up a clear liquids fast for up to 30 days without medical supervision. Don’t do this with just water - clear liquids (see-through juices and broths) will keep up your hydration and important nutrients. The hunger basically goes away after day 3. The endorphins help make the time bearable, and help show joy us still possible.

3. Meditate. This will be a hard one, because for best results I’m not going to suggest guided meditation, but rather a mindfulness meditation practice. You can do this on your own, but a meditation group can help you get past some of the misconceptions most Westerners have about meditation (the goal is not to stop thoughts from coming up, realizing you’ve become distracted is success rather than a failure, etc.) If you’re in college, there’s very likely a group on campus that holds sessions at least weekly. If not, look for a Buddhist temple or Shambhala center in your area.

4. Distract. Whatever takes your attention off the pain is a good thing, even if it isn’t as enjoyable right now as it normally is. Reading, TV, video games, volunteer work, hobbies, learning a new skill. As long as it keeps your attention on something other than the grief.

5. Therapy. Again, if your in college, there may be short-term counseling available at no cost. In addition to a non-judgemental space to process out loud, many short-term therapy modalities offer tools for handling grief, sadness, and interrupting thought loops.

It’s going to suck. There’s no getting away from the fact it’s going to suck. You are going to have a lot of pain ahead, and so is he. You’re going to see people who know you both, and need to choose between which of you they’re seeing, you’ll drift away from some people who he was closer to, and he’ll drift away from people you were closer to. Eventually you’ll date someone else and he will too. You’ll have photos, trinkets and many other things that are bound to him as memories. You likely will never get closure, and just have to let the pain fade.

When I reflect on memories, I often feel that the good ones change how they feel to think about after six weeks; they start to feel that they happened to someone else, a very long time ago. Maybe this is how memories feel when they change from short term to long term, I have no idea. The bad memories take longer, it’s different for each one. You are in mourning, in a manner of speaking, and that’s okay to acknowledge. Give yourself a time to mourn, to leave those items up that make you think of him. Get rid of the photos now, put the digital ones in a folder to be forgotten, change your lock screen, if it’s him, to something you love, a friend, pet, parent etc. Let yourself otherwise have a mourning period and let yourself feel the emotions. Set a date, perhaps a month from today, or a month from the breakup. On this day, clear away those little trinkets you bought together. If they’re valuable or you’ll miss them for another reason, don’t bin them. Don’t go overboard, just because that dress was his favourite, or he bought your favourite book or whatever doesn’t make it his, it’s yours. But some things will only bring pain to dwell on.

A poet, Richard Silken once said “Someone has to leave first. This is a very old story. There is no other version of this story.” You are going through something that is nearly a universal pain that every adult faces. Mourning, without closure, about someone who is still out there, who you may see at parties, in the street or with your shared friends. This is a pain we all have experienced, that colours so much of our happy memories with pain and despair. There are people I wish I could hold when they cry who I’ll never speak to again, and there’s people I wish could hold me who I’ll never see too. They may hate me more than the last time I saw them or have forgiven me and wish things went differently, but they definitely have not forgotten me, as I haven’t them.

These memories need to fade into that back part of your mind, and that takes time, and every memory that reignites that pain, perhaps the better word is trauma, will delay it. But eventually those memories together will feel like they’re not wrapped in the same emotion, but the memory of emotion. Until that point comes, it’s okay to let the feelings in, to mourn.

I hope you read every comment, even the worse ones about finding someone else quickly, to rebound. That is a tool to move these memories into a more distant part of your mind faster, but you won’t get to process them. You may never get closure but you’ll get even less if you don’t let the emotions in. Turn to positive distractions, do exciting things, do things with friends and family. Reach out to those friends you’ve seen less because you made so much time for him, they will be happy to have you back. Don’t mask the pain with drugs, weed or alcohol; nothing good comes of that. I had to avoid drinking when I had similar experiences. Seek process therapy, it’s not always too cheap, but this is a terrible pain that deserves professional check in, being young doesn’t make it easier, and most of us can empathize with the pain, and know not much is worse. Let yourself spiral today, this week, this month, but don’t make decisions that close you off from the world. Don’t stop seeing friends and family, do more activities, take up a hobby like the gym that you didn’t find time for when your hobby was time with him. Make your guiding light who you want to be next month, next year. You don’t have to be them now.

In a few months, this pain will be sadness, and nothing more. Let it in now but prepare for that day. Forgive yourself, you’re going to be okay.

Fresh wounds always hurt the worst. This sounds like it just happened. You are obviously going to need time to emotionally move on from a failed relationship.

My advice is to distract your brain from the event in the short term. Play with your pets, go see a movie, hang out with your friends, eat some ice cream, focus on your creative hobbies. When this sort of thing happened to me when I was younger, I would flip it around and use my newfound single status as a positive - I can enjoy the foods and activities that I knew my ex-partner didn’t like, I didn’t have to plan my schedule around making time to see them and include them in stuff, and I just generally enjoyed the liberating feeling of being single, even though it still hurt to lose someone so close that I had been so attached to. By the time I started to feel like the feeling of being single was losing it’s appeal, I was emotionally ready to move on and meet new people.

In short, just give it more time. Distract your brain. In time, this too will pass.

Apologies for the direct question, but how old are you?

In a couple months you’ll find someone or something new and exciting, and laugh at how this felt like the end of the world. Just make sure you don’t wallow in a pit of depression. Go out into the world. Do your hobbies. Find new hobbies.

Also, consider using more line breaks for readability.

why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship?

Toxic femininity on display, dude is lucky he peace’d out

Have you considered a hasty and desperate rebound?

Planning your days might help? My thoughts here is simply that structure and routine may provide something to focus on, that might help you “push through” the negative thoughts. And if you have any support network, please reach out! I’m sure you’ll struggle with feeling guilty burdening your friends, but times like this are when you do need that support.

It wasn’t you! It was all him. I promise.

His feelings do not determine your worth.

Even if everyone in the world points at you and says “inadequate” it’s possible that they’re all wrong.

You’re worth loving.

He missed out and I’m sorry

It’s a fresh wound, and those hurt until they heal. You need to give yourself time. This will sound sexist, but if you were a guy, I’d say you need a good bartender. Not saying the same wouldn’t work for a woman, but being a single woman in a bar kind of opens you up to the kind of attention it sounds like you don’t need, or want, any more of. Still, in lieu of a good friend, just having someone who can hear you vent your pain can be healthy (hence my recommendation for a good bartender - when I was being a detached listener was considered part of the job).

When you’re not venting/working through the pain, try to work on you. Work towards liking/loving yourself.

I’m trying to channel everything internally without being such a burden and annoyance to people.

this may be part of your problem. Bottling things up like this is super destructive and it’s going to overflow. You can get these feelings out of you without necessarily directing them at people. Write a letter… Go for a walk and talk to yourself… find some healthy distraction to help you deal with the feelings.

That might help somewhat. But this kind of stuff can’t be avoided, it just gets easier with time unless it’s not dealt with.

Why didn’t he fight for me and his relationship

Instead of asking yourself why he didn’t fight for you and your relationship, tell yourself that you are worth more than that. I know it’s easier said than done but the idea is to have some self worth and to know your worth. Don’t let people walk over you, and that also means don’t give a get out of jail free card for any unknown thing he may have done. That is belittling to yourself and you’re worth more than that. He made a choice, and if he doesn’t want to fight for you then don’t fight for him.

Beyond that, find a new hobby or interest and dive into that. Bonus points if it is some kind of group where you meet new people. Find ways to be happy with yourself before the next relationship.

Best of luck. And I’ll add to the choir that time does help. It may feel like you’re drowning now but everything will be ok and work out for the best.

You’re gunna be sad, and that makes sense. I mean, why wouldn’t you be? You’ll have moments of being mad at them, too, and that’s ok as long you don’t act out on those feelings.

It’s important to keep yourself occupied, not to distract from the pain but keep yourself moving forward and remind yourself that you are your own person and have value outside of the relationship, alone or with friends or however, you are still a person and not just their ex. You’ll be sad a lot, and some days forward will feel like backwards, but you’ll get there in time.

I wrote a journal, just on my phone, for a year. It’s amazing how much you’re expecting to write about how bad your day had gone but by the time you get writing you’ve had time to be outside of the big feelings for a bit and most days are, even if not great, better than you’d thought.

If you can get access to a therapist, and even if all you do is talk at them, that can be awesome for getting things off your chest, too. It can help you set these feelings down for even an hour and get used to that lightness. Therapy doesn’t have to give you answers, sometimes all it needs to do is give you relief enough to find them on your own.

And lastly, it’s ok to miss them. You aren’t spiralling when you miss them, you’re thinking about good things and you shouldn’t force yourself away from those thoughts. Give yourself time to recalibrate and get used to the fact that you’ll always have good memories, and in time they will weigh less and not hit as hard.